Next Time Hire Spider-Man

The AXNtron focuses in on MAGIC MATT MALONE and BITTERMAN. They are in MMM's gym, high above the New York City streets. MMM is stepping toward BITTERMAN while talking rapidly. BITTERMAN shakes his head and backs away.


BITTERMAN: Please don't make me do this sir.


MMM: I asked you to hire Spider-Man, and you didn't. You'll have to do.


BITTERMAN: I'm not a wrestler. I'm a butler. I buttle, that's all I know how to do.

MMM: Tonight, you're a wrestler. I need to show everyone exactly what I can do, and you'll be the perfect victim--I mean, opponent. The Prince is going to war.


BITTERMAN: Couldn't you go to war on somebody else? There're so many wrestlers that'd love a title shot. Or even Andy Samberg.


MMM: They haven't earned the right to touch me.


BITTERMAN: I'm an old man. You're going to hurt me.


MMM: You're insurance'll cover it. Besides, who signs your paycheck?


BITTERMAN: Your uncle, sir.


MMM: Oh yeah...um...but who hands you the paycheck?


(BITTERMAN looks to the floor) You do, sir.


MMM: That's right. Don't forget it. Now you're gonna get in the ring with me, and you're gonna hit me as hard as you can. I don't care how you do it, just get it done, or you're fired.


BITTERMAN: I'm scared, sir. I don't even have a costume. I can't even do a Fist Lock.


MMM: Then you should've thought about that before you didn't get me Spider-Man. (He looks wistfully out the window, taking in the NYC skyline.) You brought this on yourself. I didn't screw Bitterman. Bitterman screwed Bitterman.


BITTERMAN: Why are you speaking in the 3rd person? I'm right here.


MMM: Because I'm the PRINCE OF NEW YORK and I do whatever the hell I want. Now hurry up and find a costume. I'm not gonna wrestle you in your suit. And bring me the tv remote. Masterchef is on.


BITTERMAN: I wish you'd reconsider, but your wish is my command, sir.


MMM: Damn straight it is.

end


*****

(Note: This part is Bitterman's introduction at the beginning of the match)


And his opponent...Bitterman!
(Bitterman reluctantly walks down the entrance ramp, dressed as Spider-Man, but without the mask. Attached to his wrists are two small cans of something unknown)


BITTERMAN: Do I really have to do this, sir?


MMM: Shut up and wrestle.


*****

(Note this later part is the finish.)


MMM groans in disgust and slaps BITTERMAN across the face.


MMM: This is the best you can do? You're weak. You embarrass me, and every New Yorker out there. (He pushes BITTERMAN to the mat.) Get up! C'mon, get up! Hit me! For once in your damn life, be a man!


(Suddenly, MOTORHEAD'S music plays, and the man appears at the top of the ramp.)


(MMM turns around) oh, you wanted you watch what I'm gonna do to you? I'm glad. Glad glad glad glad glad.


(MMM spins back to BITTERMAN. BITTERMAN raised both hands and presses a button. The small cans on his wrists spray whipped cream into MMM"s eyes and mouth. MMM coughs and gags on the sugary goodness. BITTERMAN takes a running start and kicks MMM square in his "secret." MMM collapses to the mat, and BITTERMAN covers him. 1...2...3!!!