Magic Matt Is Not Amused

HERRRRRREEEE WE ARRRREE! BORN TO BE KINGS, WE'RE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!!


Queen's "Prince's of the Universe" blasts through the Axntron as MAGIC MATT MALONE and BITTERMAN walk down to the ring. MMM is dressed in a well-cut suit and tie, the World Championship Belt tossed casually over one shoulder. BITTERMAN dutifully follows, clutching MMM's diamond-crusted suitcase.


MMM leaps onto the ring apron and flips over the ropes, leaving BITTERMAN to climb in, panting and gasping.


MMM: Bitterman! Microphone! Now!!


(Bitterman rushes to his employer and opens the suitcase. He reaches inside and hands MMM a golden microphone)


MMM: Madison Square Garden, YOUR PRINCE IS...(he grins wickedly)...I'm not gonna bite off of that hasbeen's gimmick. His fed is the past. AXN IS THE FUTURE! You subjects...(Bitterman whispers in his ear)...I mean, my dear fans, deserve better than that.


(The crowd boos, sensing his insincerity)


MMM: But dear fans, your Prince is under attack. An usurper threatens to take away everything that you hold dear: Subways! Hot Dogs! One dollar slices of pizza so thin that you have to put one slice on top of the other! That urine smell! Giant Muppets in Times Square! Hipsters! Time-Warner Cable! (more boos from the crowd) Hey! My uncle Vanderlay owns 30% of TWC (More boos, followed by a "We Want Fios" chant).


Yes, your prince is under attack, by an outsider named Tom Midas. But I will not stand for such bulls--(Bitterman whispers in his ear)...Nevermind. But remember who I am! My family has been here since Old New York was New Amsterdam! I AM THE PRINCE OF NEW YORK! THE BARON OF BROOKLYN! THE MARQUIS OF MANHATTAN! THE KING OF QUEENS! THE SULTAN OF STATEN ISLAND! THE SOMETHING SOMETHING OF THE BRONX! I will not take this lying down.


ANDY SAMBERG: (Whispers to RHYDIAN JONES) he took it lying down last week.


JONES: You should be quiet. He might throw more sausage at you.


MMM: Tommy Boy got lucky last week. He's been doing his homework, saying his prayers, eating his vitamins...yadda yadda. He thinks he knows my game, but I'll flip the board. Nobody knows how to flip like THE PRINCE OF NEW YORK!


Tonight I have a scrub match with some long-haired headbanger named Motorhead. I'll make him tap with an Empire Statement, as you people love to see. I'll put on a show for you, but my mind is on Tommy Boy. He wants a shot at this belt? (holds the championship belt overhead) he'll have to come take it. I'll take him in any kind of match that he wants. I'm not afraid of that peasant gym rat. He's built for show, but I'm built to go!


SAMBERG: He's really underestimating TOM MIDAS here.


MMM: Hey! Lonely Island! You don't think I can hear you from the ring? You've got a damn microphone. Luckily, MINE IS LOUDER! Now do what your prince demands and shut the hell up!


Now, what was I saying?


BITTERMAN: I think you were finished sir.


MMM: don't tell me when I'm finished, Bitterman.


BITTERMAN: My apologies, sir.


MMM: (pauses in thought) Oh yeah, I was finished. I've got a craving for a slice anyway. BITTERMAN! BACKSTAGE! NOW!


(the pair leave the ring, MMM going on about a pepperoni and pineapple pizza)