Spider-MMM

MMM and BITTERMAN are in the gym in MMM's massive penthouse suite on the Upper East Side. The gym is mostly gymnastic equipment: rings, pommel horse, high bar, parallel bars, and the like. There's a section for Cross-Fit and cardio machines as well. Everything is state of the art, exactly what a Millionaire would want from his gym. Taylor Swift blares from the stereo system. Consuela the maid is shining a press machine with Lemon Pledge.


MMM is on the rings, upside down. He is wearing a Spider-Man costume


BITTERMAN: Sir, your costume's zipper is open.


MMM: Oh...I meant to do that. (he rolls into a giant swing, ending in an iron cross). I like it that way. More room for the little prince. (he spins again and dismounts with a double flip and sticks the landing.


MMM: I'm quite vexed, BITTERMAN. Tommy kicked my butt two weeks ago, and I just barely beat Motorhead.


BITTERMAN: They were both lucky, sir.


MMM: Of course they were lucky, but I can't let them be lucky again. I need a secret weapon, and I can't keep bribing people...man, this costume is chafing. I don't know how Spider-Man does it.


BITTERMAN: He's not real, sir.


MMM: of course he is. I saw him in Times Square, taking pictures with kids and pushing Elmo into traffic.


BITTERMAN: That's...nevermind sir. Spider-Man is real. He fights bad guys and stuff.


MMM: I know that, but back to the topic. You're too scatterbrained, BITTERMAN. Do you need some coffee? There's some Trump Brand coffee in the French press. Guaranteed to make you obnoxious and ugly-haired.


But I digress. We have to insure my retention. Tom has to go. Motorhead has to go. (Matt does a full split on the parallel bars). A prince needs gold on his waist, not just fantastic abs.


BITTERMAN: I could find a bodyguard for you, sir. I even know where to look. I'll put up an ad on Craigslist.


MMM: fine. (He picks up a punching bag and practices slams and suplexes. The bag is covered in My Little Pony stickers). As long as it's not in the Casual Encounters section. I got burned by that. I should've noticed her broad back.


BITTERMAN: I remember. Should I bring you your cream?


MMM: Later. I'm too busy thinkisizing. (sits on a mat) Think, think, think. Maybe I should hire Spider-Man. But in the meantime...maybe someone will rise up to champion their prince.


BITTERMAN: He's not...yes, hire Spider-Man. Go ahead.


MMM: Make it happen. And bring me my post workout meal.


BITTERMAN: A hot dog, sauerkraut, and jelly smoothie?


MMM: And a cronut. I'm feeling saucy.


Note: post early in the show, before Tom's accident.