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MMM Gives Everyone Sausage

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MMM Gives Everyone Sausage

Post  Magic Matt Malone on Tue May 19, 2015 9:56 am

(Note, this promo is meant for just before the MMM/James Dean match)


The AXNtron explodes with color and light as Queen's "Princes of the Universe" blasts through the sound system. Magic Matt Malone walks out to a chorus of boos, followed two steps behind by Bitterman. Bitterman carries MMM's golden suitcase. They step inside the ring, and MMM raises his arms magnanimously to the "adoring crowd."

Rhydian Jones: Looks like we're in for a treat tonight. Here comes The Prince of New York, and I'm sure he has plenty to say to the hometown crowd.

Andy Samberg: I don't know why you like this guy. He's been nothing but a jerk since he's gotten here. He sandbagged all of El Magnifico's moves in his first match.

Jones: Of course I like him. He's smart, he's exciting, he's...

Samberg: A jerkface. And he's always got that weird golden suitcase.

MMM: (Looking to Bitterman and shouting) BITTERMAN! SUITCASE! NOW!

Bitterman opens the golden suitcase and reaches inside handing Matt a diamond crusted microphone.

Jones: I wonder what else is in there.

Samberg: If it's Marcellus Wallace's soul, I'm gettin' out of here.

Jones: Good job, Andy. 1994 wants its movie references back.

Samberg: Hey, Pulp Fiction is a great mov--

MMM: Hey! Lonely Island! Shut the hell up when your Prince is talking!!

Samberg: Sorry...(whispers) jerkface.

MMM circles the ring as the crowd continues to boo.

MMM: Madison Square Garden, your prince is here! I am the Baron of Brooklyn, the Marquis of Manhattan, the Sultan of Staten Island, the King of Queens, the...uh...something of The Bronx...well...No one cares about the Bronx anyway. I am THE PRINCE OF NEW FREAKIN' YORK, AND I SHINE LIKE GOLD!

A "Brony" chant starts from a few marks in Omega Wrestling shirts.

MMM: And tonight, your prince is facing off against James Dean...the famous James Dean...the legendary James Dean. What do you think of that, Bitterman?

Bitterman: I'm not allowed to think, sir.

MMM: That's right. But I did the thinking for you. You see, I did a little research on Mister James Dean. BITTERMAN! iPAD! NOW!

Bitterman reaches into the suitcase and hands Matt a diamond crusted Ipad. MMM types onto it.

MMM: Seriously? I can't get wifi here? Oh, here it goes...Like I said, I looked James Dean up on Wikipedia, and I found out something interesting. James Dean died in 1955. That means that I'm gonna either tear apart a zombie tonight, or a liar! A faker! A big phony!

MMM points toward the AXNtron.

MMM: I kinda hope that he's a zombie. I'm no Rick Grimes, but when I slap an Empire Statement around Dean's throat, his head's gonna pop right off. Prince 1, Zombies 0.

MMM: But then I did more research, because I'm smart like that. Maybe he's not James Dean, maybe he's Jimmy Dean, purveyor of fine sausage and sausage products. BITTERMAN! SAUSAGE! NOW!

Bitterman reaches into the suitcase and takes out a Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage.

MMM: Is that it, Dean? Are you just a big fan of sausage? (Looks at Andy Samberg) How 'bout you, Lonely Island? Do you like sausage?

Samberg: Well, I've been known to enjoy a couple of links...

MMM: (throws the sausage roll at Andy) that's what I thought. How about the rest of you? Does New York want some sausage? You're in luck, because your prince in generous. BITTERMAN! MORE SAUSAGE! NOW!

Bitterman reaches into the suitcase--obviously bigger on the inside (Maybe Bitterman's a Time Lord?)--and hands MMM another sausage. MMM throws it into the crowd. Bitterman keeps handing out sausages, and MMM keeps throwing them.

MMM: (throws sausage) YOU GET A SAUSAGE! (throw) YOU GET A SAUSAGE! (throw) YOU GET A SAUSAGE! (throw) AND YOU GET A SAUSAGE!.. (he points to the Brony chanters) But not you. You don't get any sausage! NO SAUSAGE FOR YOU!

Rhydian Jones: How can you not love this guy, Andy? He just gave you his sausage.

Samberg: Can we stop with the innuendo now?

MMM: And now that I've spent all my sausage, let's do this. James Dean, come face me. IT'S MAGIC TIME!

Bitterman leaves the ring, while MMM waits for his opponent.

Rhydian Jones: That's why he's a star. He's a master of psychology. Everyone knows that James Dean is the better wrestler, but after a psyche out like that, MMM just evened the odds. This guy is money.

Samberg: He's still a jerkface.

Magic Matt Malone

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